You're wrong about me

Healing from years of guilt and shame from religion and trauma

Years and years of seeing adults in my community gossip made my brain and body believe that if I screwed up, there would be groups of people obsessing over it.
Years and years of seeing my friends come to school broken, tired, or even abused made me believe that this world was hard, cold, and there was no way I could ever escape poverty.
Years and years of hearing that I was an inherently bad person because a man in the pew told me hell was the place for people like me that had thoughts like I did.
Years and years of being told I was to submit to a man’s needs, made me believe I couldn’t have my own.
Years of years of being scolded for having opposing thoughts or disagreeing with something made me a trouble maker, made me believe my voice would never be heard and if it was, I had to FIGHT for it.
Years and years of having my body touched without my consent, made me believe my body wasn’t mine.

It wasn’t until recently through therapy and community work, I realized that maybe….

This isn’t real.

Maybe this world and life I’m living is what I create it to be, not what I’ve been told it has to be or what I saw growing up.
Maybe I could fuck up and the entire world not talk about it.
Maybe I could express what I NEEDED - without being judged for it.
Maybe I could enjoy sex and my body not feel shame.
Maybe I could post pictures of myself and not feel guilty because it’s not my husband or my kids.
Maybe I could be loud and still be respected.

Who was telling me all these things all these years? The world around me.
Many people think my mind is one that only focuses on the negative.
Maybe I was born with a purpose that requires me to think this way.
Maybe my voice was being used for purpose of 1,000 before me, and that’s why it’s so loud.

When you grow up in a place that has a way of thinking that is set in stone (any small, religious town in America) but you don’t fit the mold (vocally, religiously, musically, sexually), you feel pulled away from who you are meant to be because you’re too worried about the thoughts “what does this look like” “what does this mean” “it could make someone mad” “people wouldn’t accept you”.

Healing made way for not the NEW me - but the REAL me.

Years of self doubt - gone
Years of worrying - gone
Years of pleasing - gone
Years of hiding - gone
Years of guilt - gone
Years of shame - gone

You’re wrong about me, 2022.
My body, my tattoos, my desires, my interests, my likes, my voice are fully embraced.
You’re in for a big year.